Oblivious Dissemination

Should I listen to the Rolling Stones or should I choose Led Zeppelin?

Should I be content or should I be searching for more?

Should I follow my inner voice or let my brain decide?

My entire life I have felt in many ways disconnected from a perceived reality, wandering around the years without a GPS to guide me. Questioning my choices or just letting the current of the waves take me, a tug of war within. Filling a hole with most anything around me, building mountains I thought would lead me in a direction , any direction, anywhere but where I am.

Feelings would come and go, relationships that I had but couldn’t let nurture, control I was scared to relinquish. The road got pretty rough as I tossed away maps, ignored mile markers trying to feel something at 100 miles per hour. The clock kept movng but I never looked at the time. Searching for something, looking for answers while blindfolded, always asking WHY?

Answers to everything were always right there, hidden inside, secure and locked, answers I was not ready to see. Tell me what to feel, tell me what to say, tell me who I am as I sat there in the waiting room waiting for surgeons to discover the answers.

I’ve been in this waiting room for many years but this time it was different, a deep rooted feeling of love hit me, a love that I could finally trust, would it be too late?

This love was like a volcano, it was deeper than anything I’ve felt before and it was strong, something my mind couldn’t stop, something that had to happen, was it too late?

Since the eruption my entire landscape has changed, a profound change has occured, I am frightened to the core but this time I trust it. The same old questions try to push it away but the force is too strong for my mind to send me back to ‘safer’ ground. A seimic shift has put me into a numbness that I need to listen to, what good was my brain anyway? It feels strange, new, odd and uncomfortable at times but also exciting and freeing and safe.

I am now feeling what I have ran from for so long, something I’ve always yearned for but pushed away, the one thing I needed but was too scared to accept. I no longer need the dictionary to find it, I no longer need therapy to understand it, I no longer need someone to tell me how to feel. I have the greatest gift anyone could ever wish for.

I have love which brings me peace, I am finally ME