Oblivious Dissemination

We tend to pretend, act and try our best to ‘be ok’ but attempting to be something that we are not or acting as we feel we should be builds up an emotional pressure cooker and all of a sudden we have no filter and the volcano erupts (the straw that broke the camel’s back). It may not be a violent spewing of deep suppressed magma but it will reveal itself. Mountains can be made from these eruptions that could have been mole hills if released differently. The pressure we feel and accumulate is based on many factors but the common issue is the ego.

Face it, we are rarely prepared for ‘life’

We wing it, going through life trying to fit in, be somebody, have the right image, job, mate, material possessions and so on. Life is not easy and is much harder when you don’t have the proper tools to ‘live’ it. The ego is developed in a weird way to (try) and protect us but all too often it blocks the heart and life becomes a struggle, one in which can cause some very serious emotional challenges. We become cautious and guarded as to not be hurt or look bad, we live in our heads overthinking most anything and questioning our actions. We lose ourselves in our heads and then question, why are we not happy? Why are we struggling so much? Why can’t I…

The fact is, most of the ego is developed while we are very young and unless addressed we will basically have a child running our adult lives. Intellectually we wouldn’t let a child make important decisions regarding our life and our choices/actions but that’s exactly what we are doing and when confronted with serious situations (even small ones) we have no option than to erupt and have a temper tantrum. The ego (little child) isn’t equipped to process and handle certain situations so it simply does the only thing it knows and that is to yell, cry and pout. I personally know from experience as I once (and at times still am) was a little scared child. I became an egomaniac with an inferiority complex, acting as if I was ok but scared shitless on the inside. I swear that people could see right through me and see all my shortcomings, so I became a chameleon perfectionist, I was to be everything to everybody! I had a lot of success and people liked me and thought I had the perfect life and on paper I guess that was true but on the inside I was an emotional wreck.

What if you saw who I really was? Who the hell was I anyway?

I could walk on water and still worry that someone would see that my shoes got wet.

My mind was the master of me and I was just a shell of a person and then the volcano started to rumble. I feel you can only let the ego suffocate you so much until your true inner self (your heart) needs to get some air. Yes, at times the heart was allowed to come out and play but that usually was only when the ego was distracted enough or numbed. I could pretend enough to look happy, I could accomplish things, I made it through life looking as if I was the man but honestly the ego never has enough or gets enough. I have read that the longest distance to being content in the REAL sense is about 12″, the distance from the head to the heart. The heart is where you find peace.

It took quite a while but I learned how to open my heart and quiet my mind. The volcano did erupt which rivaled the likes of Krakatoa but when I was able to start and dig out of the ashes something had changed inside me. To this day it still takes work to quiet that bratty little boy called ego, I can’t kill him but I can choose to not feed him either. Today I do what I can to feed my mind positive nourishment and in turn it let’s my heart do it’s thing.

The ego is dormant and my heart is free- and so am I.